Workaholics Season 2 Episode 5

Old Man Ders.

"We're going straight to Pound Town! Population: Three! Chief import: Beer! Chief export: Swaaaaaaag."

It's Ders' birthday! And he's turning the big 2-5! (Ed. note: It's this guy's' birthday on Thursday! And he's turning what feels like the big 6-3, because he's an old fart! Maybe you should all pitch in and buy him a little somethin-somethin?) Per tradition, Adam and Blake wake Ders up promptly at midnight to commence the birthday boozeathon, which consists of funneling beer-diluted whiskey, diving for six-packs at the bottom of the pool, and something called the Tour de Franzia, which as an enthusiast of boxed wine, intrigues me SO much that I'm tempted to say "screw it" to finishing this post so that I can give it a go in my backyard. But it's not all fun and games. At the office later in the morning, all of the TelAmeriCorp employees rag on Ders about how his life is pretty much over -- a realization that Adam and Blake worked hard to keep Ders from having on his special day. So to take his mind off things, they go to Dante's Pizza Palace (think Chuck E. Cheese, but for black families) to slam pitchers of beer and play whack-a-mole and get punched in the face by irritable dads. Okay, so maybe it is all fun and games. Except for that whole face-punching part.


A Ders' idea of combating the stigma of 25 being the end of reckless youth and the beginning of "something older" is to adopt slang that is so obviously painful for him to use correctly that I would actually prefer hearing it come from the mouth of my father while attending Sunday Mass. (See: swaggin', mash-up tape, unchained, young go-hards.) Ders also reintroduces the "chop" from his old playground days into his new persona. For those fortunate enough to not know what the chop is, it's an actual physical attack offered to someone's neck when they say or do something stupid. And of course this running gag throughout the episode inevitably leads to a confrontation between a doleful Ders, who is feeling down at Dante's about his impending mortality, and an angry dad who reprimands the birthday boy by knocking him out for not acting his age in a kids' restaurant. I can feel for Ders because when I turned 25 half a century ago I too thought my life was over. But like Ders, I'm a motivated man that knows that it's your actions, not age, that define you, and that no number written on a certificate when you're born should affect the age your mind thinks it is. We have the rest of our lives to worry about getting older and running for City Council, or whatever. /end self-affirming birthday rant


A Blake recognizes Ders' erratic behavior as the stepping stones to him becoming The Ders -- a Hulk-like tornado of uninhibited rage and self-righteousness. Therefore, because Blake is the only sensible one of the group, he tries to lure Ders out of Dante's with arcade prizes before he does something regrettable, which as it turns out, he does, in the form of receiving a big, fatherly fist into the left side of his face. He's also the only one to get Ders a birthday gift. Granted it was a $60 golf shirt that can be worn for his wedding, a job interview, or a soldier's funeral, but it's the thought that counts.

Adam D-

Tries to piggyback on Blake's gift to Ders. Hires strippers to come to Dante's to cheer Ders up and instead keeps both for himself by pretending it's hisbirthday. Eats Ders' carrot cake. None of Adam's selfish behavior bothers me, because duh, he's the human equivalent of a puppy dog. It's his desire to do, and actual inhalation of, nitrous oxide in the office that seems very out of character. Especially after Blake admits that their usual routine is to pound booze in the bathroom. And a shove of his face into the mess he made on the carpet, like a puppy. (That's what you're supposed to do with puppies, right?)

Extra Credit

  • Blake on whippits: "That is hippie crack, man. Did we not all cry during that Steve-O documentary?"
  • "I don't even know what 'swag' means." "No one does, really."
  • "Ders, what would it take for you to consider doing the exact opposite of 'shutting bitches down'? Maybe leaving this bitch, heading towards home bitch? Home sweet home bitch?"
  • Oakland Tony:
    "That's OT. He's blacker than I am."


  • At what arcade on earth do 1500 tickets get you either vampire teeth...OR A MOTHEREFFING INFLATABLE SHARK BLIMP?
Season 2 Episode 4.
Season 2 Episode 6.

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Friday, June 1, 2012 - 12:21am

the evaluation of adam almost seemed personal. bit weird for a tv blog

Friday, January 4, 2013 - 4:20pm

Bro deez cats are mad homo sauce; sup bra #realtalkweirschat #nahbrah

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