Old Man Ders.
It's Ders' birthday! And he's turning the big 2-5! (Ed. note: It's this guy's' birthday on Thursday! And he's turning what feels like the big 6-3, because he's an old fart! Maybe you should all pitch in and buy him a little somethin-somethin?) Per tradition, Adam and Blake wake Ders up promptly at midnight to commence the birthday boozeathon, which consists of funneling beer-diluted whiskey, diving for six-packs at the bottom of the pool, and something called the Tour de Franzia, which as an enthusiast of boxed wine, intrigues me SO much that I'm tempted to say "screw it" to finishing this post so that I can give it a go in my backyard. But it's not all fun and games. At the office later in the morning, all of the TelAmeriCorp employees rag on Ders about how his life is pretty much over -- a realization that Adam and Blake worked hard to keep Ders from having on his special day. So to take his mind off things, they go to Dante's Pizza Palace (think Chuck E. Cheese, but for black families) to slam pitchers of beer and play whack-a-mole and get punched in the face by irritable dads. Okay, so maybe it is all fun and games. Except for that whole face-punching part.
Tries to piggyback on Blake's gift to Ders. Hires strippers to come to Dante's to cheer Ders up and instead keeps both for himself by pretending it's hisbirthday. Eats Ders' carrot cake. None of Adam's selfish behavior bothers me, because duh, he's the human equivalent of a puppy dog. It's his desire to do, and actual inhalation of, nitrous oxide in the office that seems very out of character. Especially after Blake admits that their usual routine is to pound booze in the bathroom. And a shove of his face into the mess he made on the carpet, like a puppy. (That's what you're supposed to do with puppies, right?)
- Blake on whippits: "That is hippie crack, man. Did we not all cry during that Steve-O documentary?"
- "I don't even know what 'swag' means." "No one does, really."
- "Ders, what would it take for you to consider doing the exact opposite of 'shutting bitches down'? Maybe leaving this bitch, heading towards home bitch? Home sweet home bitch?"
- Oakland Tony:
- At what arcade on earth do 1500 tickets get you either vampire teeth...OR A MOTHEREFFING INFLATABLE SHARK BLIMP?