If there's something I think we can all agree on it's that there's one thing that True Blood has always been good for: hot vampire sex. Well, except for Season 5, that is. Religion took over this season, effectively squeezing every last bit of sweaty vampire sex out of Truebs. Lilith Damn YOU, Truebs! You filled the hot sex void that ladies of a certain age (22+) needed once Sex and the City went off the air, and you really let us soft-porn lovers down this season. Know you're role, sir! We demand more Sarsgard butts in Season 6. Write your HBO representatives today!
Of course the lack of nubile bodies was not helped by one of the worst plots of all time. The Vampire Authority/Lilith-obsession effectively kept half of the cast underground for 90% of the season. That does not a good television show make. And I shudder to think about the subplots. Yikes. Need I remind you of Scott Foley and Terry's Iraqi-killing-death-squad-demon? BLUGH. Maybe you disagree, maybe you loved watching Terry sweat and wake up in the middle of the night and go into the darkness and be boring. That's your prerogative, frenemy, but it bored me to tears. Overall the story lines were downright preachy (no pun intended). If I wanted a commentary on religion and the war in Iraq, I'd watch the news and or Homeland.
This season did have one nice surprise, that time I watched Truebs in Spanish. Damn, that was a good weird time. So, let's do this thing friends and frenemies!
A+ A lot of traumatic shit happened to Sookie this season; murdered Debbie; turned her best friend into a vampire; found Russell Edgington; almost screwed Alcide; got glamoured; embodied her parents' killer; watched Bill sort of die/be reborn as a pterry. But like always, Sookie barely batted an eye and coped with it all by getting drunk and singing a hilarious rendition of the Pina Colada song and that's why Sookie still reigns supreme.
"If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into vampires, if they shot half your brain. If you like making love at midnight and are in a cemetery."
D+ Not a good season for our guy, Bill. The once dapper, debonair and all around good guy, Bill, turned into a power hungry, religious nutbag, covered in blood. Not something a 5-foot-nothing guy can pull off (sorry). Bill-ith will go down in history as one of the worst iterations of a character in the history of TV. Get real, Truebs, the only person who can look amazing covered completely in blood is Sissy Spacek in Carrie. It's really sad because the Bill of ep. 1, all teaming up with Eric, had such potential but turned out to be so incredibly terrible by the time Bill-ith showed up that it's near impossible to remember why we ever liked this idiot. Seriously, Bill would be better off dead (true death style).
A+ One of the only saving graces of Season 5 was Eric. And no, it wasn't because of his butt, which I believe we only saw once. It was because he was one of the only characters who actually stayed true to his character. What a novel idea for Truebs! Eric, you're the best, and hopefully the next Vampire King of Louisiana.
Jessica & Jason.
A & AThese two star-crossed lovers had a tumultuous season. It began mutually hot & heavy, got a little lopsided (Jason pining for Jessica), turned super sad (glamoring Hoyt), and ended a lot lopsided (Jason looking like he wanted to kill Jessica). How much time has elapsed in this season!? Felt like an eternity and just a few weeks all at the same time. Regardless, Jessica and Jason went through a lot together and much like Eric, they actually stayed true to themselves while growing ever so slightly whether it was closer together or apart. Here's hoping they wind up together next season or else sending Hoyt off to Alaska is a big ass waste of time.
Pam & Tara.
A & A The only thing that can be said about these two is: NOT ENOUGH and FINALLY.
Despite starting off the season with a terrible plot line (a dead BF and a demon possession), Lafayette rounded out Season 5 with solid comic relief, which I greatly appreciated as each episode became harder and harder to stomach. Thanks, mon cherie.
Sam & Luna
C & C- These two shifters might have found their perfect soul mates in each other. They love to tell each other off, almost die and fight vampires. Sure, their insane tempers make them pretty unbearable to be around (yes, even as a viewer) but at least they have each other.
B-He was one of the biggest disappointments of the season. Andy started off so strong! He had that weird wicca girlfriend and was actually being a good sheriff and then that fairy he knocked up had to go and have FOUR babies. Boo. Hiss. Knocks him down a few grades.
RIPRussell and Steve should go down as one of the great love stories of Truebs. The only problem with this Vampire power couple is their love was cut way too short.
DQuite a terrible bitch. Wish we'd heard more stories about the actual Salome and I think that sentiment speaks to how much I truly hated Salome.
FNothing saddened me more than the complete mis-use of Christopher Meloni in this role. It was nothing short of awful. I truly felt like an SVU victim after watching him in Truebs, so I guess that was a success.
Terry & Scott Foley
F & FStupidest. Plot. Ever.
B-I really feel like the plight of the modern werewolf was glossed over this season. Even with all the attention on Alcide, the pack, the terrible pack master, his awful dad and their V habits, it just felt like, "who cares?" I sure as hell didn't. At least we got to see Alcide's butt. OMG. How many characters are on this show!?
F She was a bit of dumbness, amirite? Who conceived of this blood drenched merkin-wearing madness? An idiot.
CCertainly, Norah seamed like a welcome addition when we met her banging Eric in a shipping container. Who doesn't love THAT? But her flip-flopping from non-believer to believer to non-believer made her a pretty unbelievable character.
DWHAT WAS THAT? Seriously, why was there an invisible fairy whorehouse? I still don't get it.
FOnly thing I have to say about Warlow; does anyone care how Sookie's parents died, or why? I certainly don't. Doesn't the world of Truebs have more important things to worry about, like the vampire apocalypse? Sheesh. T
DWow. That was one of the most random plot lines that got tied up so neatly for no real reason. Why did this plot EVEN exist? If you can answer that question, I'll be impressed.
Season 5 B-
True Blood Season 5 really screwed the pooch by not screwing anyone enough. It let Lilith and the idea of the vampire bible ruin the major plot line of the entire show and then under-sexed us so we actually noticed what the plotline was. Come on Truebs! We would have never noticed how boring the Authority story was if you'd given us more T & A. Plus, you totally blew it under utilizing one of the best new characters of the Season: Vampire Tara. Let's dig deeper on that next season! Please learn from your mistakes and bring our favorite vamps out from the under a) Lilith or Bilith's spell and b) from the boredom that is the Authority in Season 6.
Friday, September 7, 2012 - 10:26am
I love that you refer to Scott Foley only as Scott Foley. He can't be anyone but Noel.
This has been a timesaver for trying to remember what the hell happened last season! Best line - "WHAT WAS THAT? Seriously, why was there an invisible fairy whorehouse? I still don't get it" Yeah, I'm still confused on that plot, along with "Smokey, this-so-happened-on-Lost monster" plot. Cheers for a better season 6 =)