"Tell me that is not a bomb." - Meredith "Okay, it's a kitten. An adorable, exploding kitten." - Eyeballs McGee (Damon)"
If there's one thing I hate more than being savagely hunted by a man with a sniper rifle, trip-wired bombs, and toxic werewolf venom, it's bad beer. And, unfortunately for our friends, The Bloodhound Gang (Get it? They are vampires and werewolves! Right? Shutup. I hate you guys.) they're having to deal with it all at once. Connor Jordan: Vampire Hunter is still on the loose, and with the reluctant help of the only two teenage humans left on this show, Jeremy and Matt, he's devised a plan to take out the town's "infestation" once and for all. So, with Eyeballs and Klaus focusing their efforts on destroying the threat, Stefan and Caroline focusing their efforts on keeping Elena from accidentally wiping out the entire vampire race, and Rebekah kind of focusing her efforts on getting people to not hate her guts, everyone was kept on their toes. Except for Bonnie, because obviously she's too depressed to do anything but watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and eat Cheeto Puffs in her house alone.
Elena, aka "The Rager"
"See you in gym. I think it's dodgeball day."
After a little hiatus to get her life back on track after being disowned by her brother, Rebekah is back in Mystic Falls, and she's ready to turn over a new leaf and find some friends. Unfortunately for my dear Beks, she's still kind of an enormous bitch and everyone is still a tad bit peeved that she kind of tried to kill them all. Bless her heart. I believe Beks' sincerity about not wanting to hurt Matt, and her last scene with April showed a softer side to our favorite OG Serial Killer Barbie. I'm all for a little growth, don't get me wrong, as long as she and Elena keep throwing pencils at each other, because that shit gives me life.
Stefan & Caroline
"You should write a book. Go on The View."
Stefan is having a bit of a hard time helping Elena loosen up without turning back into The Ripper that he's tried so hard to supress. It's like asking a recovering alcoholic to hold your drink while you go to the bathroom, only amplified by like, a thousand. And with he and Damon still having "creative differences," Stefan is running low on a good ol' fashioned support system. Luckily for Stefan, though, Caroline happens to be the most supportive thing since the Double D bra was invented back in 1994, and she wants to help him like he helped her when she transitioned. These two being Bros again is like Christmas for me, and I'm holding out hope that with Damon and Elena on one team, and Stefan and Caroline on the other, Rebekah's dodgeball game is going to get 5,000 times more entertaining.
Eyeballs & Klaus
Our favorite anti-heroes and CJ:VH are involved in a little game of cat and mouse... with bombs and daggers. The plan to Kill Connor seems to be going swimmingly, until Klaus learns that Connor is one of a mysterious group called "The Five" and secretly saves his life. If Eyeballs and Klaus are ever going to play nice together, they've gotta start communicating. They need couples counseling. Does Dr. Meredith only do surgery?
"See, told you I can be a badass!" - Jeremy "Shh, badasses don't say that." - Eyeballs
Turns out, Jeremy's only talent isn't making stupid decisions and doing an impressive Haley Joel Osment impression while chatting it up with dead folks. He's also apparently got the blood of a vampire hunter, which means he can see invisible tattoos AND make stupid decisions! Jeremy's always been a little lost in a town full of vampires and werewolves, but now it seems like he has a new calling on the horizon. Unfortunately, the creatures he has been divinely called to massacre happen to be all of his closest friends and family. And I thought my day job sucked ass.
- "Listen you bloodshared with my girlfriend, and I punched you in the face. Let's not be dramatic." - Stefan, on the Bro Code.
- "Just for future reference, one voicemail is just as effective as 9." - Klaus, on simple telephone courtesy
- Werewolf venom in the beer at Rebekah's party makes vamps hallucinate their worst nightmares. Rebekah's is Matt telling her she doesn't deserve love and her pulling his heart out. Elena's is having sex with Damon. Solid.
- As much as I love Phoebe Tonkin, and I'm super pumped she's on the show as Tyler's old werewolf buddy, Haley, the last thing this show needs is another supernatural love triangle. Just let her be awesome, writers, and not Tyler's secret slampiece. Please and thank you.
- When Damon was tooling around CJ:VH's hunting trailer, it looked like a meth lab. I thought I'd accidentally watched an episode of Breaking Bad again.
Thanks, Tania! I'm a fan of you being a fan!
"Bloodhound Gang": I love it, drum roll please for KK. I like your grade report but I feel like ranting a little bit about the episode, it's the full moon here and I'm emulating my inner pre-Caroline Tyler. By the way, you totally forgot to grade Tyler.
- This week, Stefan was more of a C- to me: a real debbie downer in top of being a helicopter boyfriend. If Elena wants to rumble with Bekah, let her be! "A heart for an eye", I say! Too bad the writers didn't have the good idea of having Bekah see Elena feeding on a very obliging Matt, that would have been going for the jugular.
- Eyeballs deserves a C- too because come on, who in their right mind, would trust Elena with the only weapon able to kill an OG? A dejected horny vampire, I guess.
Not a rant but an observation: I think Jeremy might actually be one of the Five. We just need to know if they could kill an OG. If yes, Klaus was wrong: Jeremy is the one to be congratulated for becoming very soon the more protected vampire hunter in MF, especially if he can have access to the only indestructible white oak stake.
Kelly I'm a fan! Your reviews are hilarious :D