"How's your big buck hunter, Ralph?"
Everyone's role was clearly defined last night on Smash. Ivy hulked out on Prednisone. Tom acted like her creepy father-lover. Karen beguiled a crowd of tweens. Julia & Michael slutted it up. And, Eileen became the most uncomfortable granny hipster of all time.
Julia & Michael
We learned some important things about Julia and Swifty last night. Julia wears grandma pantalones that go up to her "real" waist and they both like to have sex with their pants on. I know it's NBC, but come on! Show us butts at least. At least that weird couch sex unleashed Julia's inner love song writer and the "Marilyn the Musical" was saved!
I felt a little sad when they tried to Lucille Ball up Debra Messing in the kitchen with flour all over her face when she was making pancakes. Leo hates you. Bad pancakes and worse acting aren't going to help that.
Poor Ivy. She lost her voice and her douche of a fuck-buddy only cares if it gets better -- not her getting "healthy." Luckily she has Daddy, Tom, to say insane things like, "She is super sensitive to drugs." What does that mean? Well, it means when she takes Prednisone she will hallucinate the worst music video ever on her bed. Hold a pillow! Smile and laugh at yourself! Look at the camera! Put your hand up and say no, stop! Go!
The Prednisone did a number on her. Ivy even hulked out on Derek (who did NOT give a shit). I can't help thinking that the writers would have had a lot more fun if she had some of these side effects (thanks WebMD) instead:
- Inappropriate happiness (Wait, she totally had this in that video. Check.)
- Bulging eyes (How about bulging lips? Check.)
- Acne (Come on, that would have been such an easy make-up job!)
- Increased hair growth (2 inches of dark roots would have been a sight to see.)
- Changes in the way fat is spread around the body (Check. Look at her arms.)
- Irregular or absent menstrual periods (Ok, this is just gross.)
- Decreased sexual desire (After her hulk attack, check.)
Kare-bear had a low key episode. Waiting in the wings for Ivy's voice to crack sure is boring. Of course, she's still doing incredibly dumb stuff like calling a fake Tommy Mottola AT rehearsal. Why would you do that? Seriously. Even people in Iowa don't call prospective jobs at their own jobs in the middle of meetings.
Eileen & Ellis
So, this is the dream team of death. They're also the ugliest, weirdest, stupidest odd couple of all time. Why hasn't Tom noticed that his assistant is basically up Eileen's ass instead of his? Oh, because Tom's an idiot. That's right.
Eileen's romp into hipster land is just disturbing. Can someone tell her that hipsters wear chunky glasses not aviator goggles? Also, playing Big Buck Hunter is so 2004. Get with the times, Granny. Also, if you're going to a dive bar, a martini would taste like shit, just have a PBR.
Tom & John
I don't get why they are dating. It literally looks like Superman is dating Snoopy. I hate Snoopy, for the record.
(for looks) +
(for dating Tom) =
Marilyn of the Week: Ellis
Ivy and Karen blew it this week. Sneaky little weasel, Ellis, gets the title. While cozying up to Eileen is gross as hell, it's super smart and this kid is going to be named Director, Writer or Exec. Producer of "Marilyn the Musical" in the next 2 weeks. Kudos, creeper.
- Karen bonding with the Bar Mitzvah band by saying, "Okay, you clowns." Genius writing.
- Northport, NY shout out! Yay. But, I take issue with the, "I couldn't find a taxi" line. There are always taxis at that train station. Do your due diligence people.
- Leo saying to Julia, "Why, so I can eat your bad pancakes?" Idiot writing.
- Frank showing up in the morning after take the red eye. I have never, ever, heard of people just changing flights and taking the red eye without telling their family. Weird.
- Julia meeting Swifty while wearing her silk jammy top. I know she was just trying to hide her hideous grandma pants, but gross.
- Swifty's gross looks at Julia while singing and dancing on the couch they had sex on. A bit over the top sir.
- I'm giving a demerit to myself for only giving demerits to Julia, her family, and Swifty. Shame on me.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012 - 12:53pm
And I love your comment, Jared.
Totally agree. D. Mess looks tired, old and weird. What woman in America seriously wears FULL pajamas (she wore two different sets in this episode, seriously distressing)?
I'm hoping that Ellis fucks over Eileen because I think she actually would crush him with her man hands if he did.
The music video was downright atrocious and made on the smallest budget known to man. Again, come ON, NBC!
I like two sockets don't turn on a light and assume that is a reference to the first gay sci-fi thriller, Socket (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socket_%28film%29) well done sir.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012 - 11:48am
I love these recaps. At first, I love this show, but then you help me see why this show is completely crappy.
Who is dressing Debra Messing? They should be fired immediately. She looks TERRIBLE in every outfit, in every episode. Can't she just go to Ann Taylor and wear that crap? She looks like she's dressed from Chico's, and the sale rack at Chico's, at best.
Ellis needs to die in a bar fight. If I saw that non-gay,gay douchebag out, I'd punch him in the face.
What happened to the storyline of Dev not getting the Press Rep job and Karen knowing who was getting it? Fail on the writers for no follow-up.
Ivy's Taylor Swift-esque music video moment was cringe-worthy. And showed how terrible the editors on the show are.
Shake-it-up gave credence to gay men wrist-snappers everywhere. Heyyy thank you!
And you hit the nail on the head, about Tom and John, but one thing you didn't point out is two sockets don't turn on a light. Think about it.
Friday, March 16, 2012 - 10:36pm
Eric, you're fantastic.
I love that duck-billed platypus. She is fantastic and weird.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012 - 2:31pm
Just wanted you to know that every time I watch an episode of Smash, I immediately check Character Grades for your recaps. They're fantastic.
I also love that you love Ivy. I'm actually obsessed with her.
And woot for Long Island, NY! :)