"If you think this is bad, you should have been in Turkmenistan.”
Zits. Bell bottoms. Dimitri on Royal Pains. What are...things that always end up coming back when you never want to see them again? Ding ding ding! Clearly we understand how I feel about Dimitri. Who's Dimitri, you say? My point exactly. Hank ends up back under Boris' thumb and takes like a motorboat to Mexico to save the life of the aforementioned, notoriously grumpy Russian. Back at the Hamptons where pastel colors reign, Evan tries to convince Paige to give her alleged birth mother a fair shake, while Divya and Jeremiah bond while helping out a pharmaceutical sales lady who appears to be sampling her own goods. Oh, and did I mention Hank and Harper are moving into super schmoopy cute territory? Well they are, and I kind of don't mind.
A- The good doctor is just that -- a really, really good doctor. Like, almost too good. He's borderline robotic in his need to do the right thing and help people at any cost. You know how you're supposed to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others? Hank would not do that. He would run around helping everyone until he passed out. Thus, when crazy Russian sick dudes pull a gun on him demanding he get into the tiny motorboat and sail away, he chooses to throw the injured boy over his shoulder and book it back to land. Hasn't he ever seen Lost? Doesn't he know you're supposed to get away from the mysterious and deserted island, not run back onto it?
B+ For some strange reason, Evan is completely trusting and taken in by this woman claiming to be Paige's birth mom. I'm finding it hard to believe that he would be so passive about it and not do everything in his Evan R. Lawson CFO of HankMed power to get to the bottom of this lady's story. I think the fact that the woman's an artist really threw him off. He's all, "Paige is an artist, and this lady's an artist, ergo, they are mother and daughter."
A That being said, I'm ultra impressed with Paige's take-charge attitude when it comes to her would-be birth mom. Come on, we've all seen Annie, we know what happens when people come around claiming to be birth parents -- although in this case there was a shocking lack of Tim Curry and outlandish musical numbers. Requesting a DNA test was a surprisingly logical choice that most shows would take weeks to get around to. Although the awkward 'thanks for swabbing your cheek for me' hug that Paige ended up bestowing upon her fake new mom might mean she's warming up to the idea.
B+ Divya's in total Rafa withdrawal now that he's gallivanting around the globe with his polo team. Wait, he's literally globetrotting. Get it? I'm awesome. Anyway, she's clearly still smitten and continues to be completely in the dark about Jeremiah's not-so-tiny crush on her. She has no patience for ditsy pharma salesgirls, which doesn't surprise me at all, though. Despite her giddiness about 'Rafa Rafa Rafa can you hear me?,' she's still the same old practical Divs.
A Alright, I realize the 'grows on you' analogy was used incessantly to describe Hank in this episode, but I think it applies more to Jeremiah. Hank doesn't need to grow on you, he's normal and likeable. Jeremiah is weird and socially awkward, so you're predisposed to find him odd and off-putting. But I totally don't anymore! Congratulations, Jeremiah! You've grown on me. And possibly Divya too. She seems completely at ease with him and enjoys making her HankMed rounds with him. Perhaps when Rafa inevitably stomps all over Divya's heart with his polo horse, she will fall into Jeremiah's arms after all. But he definitely should have hooked up with the slutty/sleepy pharma girl to make her jealous anyway.
F Go see a regular doctor like a normal person and stop pulling guns on people for no reason. Why are you back on the show? #nobodycares
C+ I'm pretty sure Hank and Boris were on the outs after the whole Christina debacle, but Hank's like Al Pacino in Godfather Part III("Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.") and can't resist running to Boris and offering to save everyone's favorite Russian. Boris and Hank essentially take a little two man tropical vacay together that just happens to involve flesh-eating viruses and shellfish infections. For being a major shadeball, Boris is pretty much the worst liar ever -- "We're, uh...tourists" he says to a local after wading through the ocean from a motorboat. Sure. Thanks to Boris, we still aren't rid of Dimitri because he invited him and his little blood sugar K-9 to live at his Hamptons mansion and be treated by Hank. Just let him die already!
B+ As of now, her relationship with Hank pretty much just consists of exercise, sexercise, and coffee. Not a bad combination, but we're going to need a little more to go on if they're getting serious. Cue the parents. Harper is super tight with her family to whom she has apparently already gushed about Hank. Ooooohhh!.
C Agreed, 'Person Who Named This Episode,' there's definitely something fishy about this hippie dippie lady claiming to be Paige's birth mom. She just shows up out of nowhere in her billowy skirts and peasant blouses throwing around stories about how giving up her baby was her biggest regret. I have no idea what to think. Could she be the real deal? Clearly Evan would like to think so. But that whole drug arrest and bankruptcy thing certainly doesn't help her case.
Patients of the Week
A & B-One's a poor island boy with no shoes and a flesh-eating bacteria, the other's a pushy pharmaceutical sales rep with a penchant for dozing off mid-senta;lkndv'/beiae. Oh sorry, that was me dozing off while writing about this boring character. Talia just kept falling asleep. That was it. But it wasn't narcolepsy or anything obvious like that. No no, not on this show -- it was Sleeping Beauty syndrome, which kind of just sounds like a pretty way to say narcolepsy. She could have been a lot more fun, what with the Jeremiah footsie game and what not, but clearly she was just a vehicle to get Jeremiah and Divya working together. The best thing that came out of Amir, the shoeless island boy's run in with flesh-eating bacteria is that the aspiring doctor acquired Hank's 'magic bag' full of medical supplies, so now he can go onto save the world...or at least the six people in that little island town.
"Something Fishy This Way Comes”
B If someone could please slip a little flesh-eating bacteria into Dimitri's vodka, that would make me so happy. Enough of him! It's good to be seeing more of Boris though, and he was uncharacteristically helpful with Hank and the island boy. Plus, Hank and Boris got to bond over a mutual hatred of summer camp. Cute. Next week's season finale appears to be packed with explosions, both literal and metaphorical. Looking forward to one last visit to the Hamptons before winter...or at least until Revenge starts.
- Evan referring to Rafa as 'Fabio'
- "We're going out to lunch, then the beach, then to dinner and a movie.” –Evan describing pretty much the best day ever
- "I'm afraid you have a flesh-eating bacteria” -- not a sentence anyone ever wants to hear
- Maggots. Hank used maggots to heal the kid's wound. I hate maggots so much. I even hate that word. I can't look at it. Maggots are to me what snakes are to Indiana Jones.