N00bs on the Tube: Breaking Bad. Face Off.
In an effort to cause a little chaos here at Character Grades, each week we're setting up one brave writer on a blind date with a very important episode... of a show they've never seen. They'll attempt to navigate the foreign story, understand the strange characters, and somehow emerge [relatively] unscathed.
Breaking Bad Season 4: Episode 13: "Face Off"
Here's what I know about Breaking Bad:
- The dad from Malcolm in the Middle has cancer and sells Meth.
- The goofy kid from that Shane West movie is his sidekick.
- Chances are, shit's gonna explode.
That's it. That's the show. The episode opens with Malcolm's dad, whom I've been informed is actually named Walt, and his cute little sidekick in the hospital, where a little boy, who might be named Brock, but I'm definitely going to call Barack, is in critical condition. Walt and sidekick, Jesse, are talking like spastic little squirrels about how Barack possibly could've been poisoned with a drug called Ricen. They finally agree that it was probably someone named Gus, who I'm assuming is the show's BIG BAD and resident asshole/kid poisoner, and move on to more pressing matters. Namely: why did Walt smuggle a bomb into a hospital in a bag from Vera Bradley's fall line. Sidenote: Walt looks like he's recovering from a botched nose job. Does he still have cancer? Is it cancer of the nose? So many questions. Two serious looking detectives arrive and ask to speak to Jesse. I think after this many seasons and a history of drug abuse, Jesse would know that when two detectives tell you "come with us, it's no big deal", it's probably a really big fucking deal, but he trudges along dutifully. Walt takes off (with his bomb) to find the ever-elusive Gus and shut him down. How does he do it? First, he tries to intimidate some lady by busting through her plate glass door, and ends up paying her for the damage. Walter McMethHead, everyone, master criminal.
When that doesn't work, Walt heads to his own house to round up some extra money, where's he's confronted by two bad guys. You can tell they are bad because they are each wearing two jackets in friggin' New Mexico. Finally, Walt goes to visit some old dude with a bell, and offers him an opportunity to get revenge in exchange for helping get to Gus. Old Dude just makes this face: Old Dude, turns out, is kind of an asshole, and quite possibly my favorite person on this show. He's even got a cool ass name... Hector Salamander. Salamander requests a meeting with the DEA, and I'm thinking Walt just got his ass double crossed. Instead, Salamander spends the entire meeting using his complicated Nurse-letter board-bell manner of communication to tell the DEA to suck his Old Dude Dick, and rolls out the door. Hilarious, but ultimately pointless, right? Wrong. Because guess who is watching the whole ordeal, and guess who now thinks the DEA is onto him? You guessed it! Evil Gus! Back at the nursing home, one of Gus' guys in a leather jacket (seriously? it's like, 900 degrees there) walks in to Salamander's room and starts checking for bombs or buried treasure or something with an annoying beepy thing. Walt's hiding on the ledge outside and trying to fend off the advances of an old lady in badass glasses.
Leather Jacket and Gus argue on the phone about how they're going to silence the Salamander. Gus watches some security footage, though the bottom right box looks like the Bon Qui Qui skit from MadTV. Methinks someone is slacking on the job! Salamander apparently lives in the most lax nursing home ever where large scary men in ugly jackets can come and go in and out of patients' rooms as they please, because Gus strolls in and starts talking some serious smack. Salamander ain't here for none of that mess, though, and handles it the only way he knows how: he blows them all the fuck up.
Hector Salamander is my hero. RIP, you psychotic little nugget. Over in the B Plot... The detectives want to know how Jesse miraculously knew what Barack had been poisoned with. He said he learned by watching House. Agents Mulder and Scully (I'm just guessing) don't believe him, because, duh, they've seen like EVERY episode of House because Hugh Laurie is just beyond brilliant and never once have they heard of that Ricen thing. (Riecen? Idk, I got a C in Chemistry.) Jesse's lawyer storms in, shouting legal jargon and making up metaphors about wangs and hornets nests and sloppy seconds, but nevermind all that, because he's free! That is, until more of Gus' Leather Jackets kidnap him minutes after release and lock him up in a Meth lab, where Walt has to come shoot some bitches and save the day. Walt and Jesse put on some HazMat suits and start trashing the lab. I'm not entirely sure it's smart to be pouring gallons and gallons of hazardous chemicals all over a contained space with exposed wires and stuff, because there's a good chance everything just might catch on fire. Nailed it. With Gus gone, and news that Baby Barack is going to live, Walt and Jesse are super pleased. That is, until they find out that Barack ate a berry from a flower called Lily of the Valley and NOT Ricin! Apparently Gus was innocent. Unfortunately, they're just going to have to face that he's already dead. Get it? Face? Because he doesn't have one anymore? Zing. And that's the end of the episode. Good news is: Walt won! Bad news is: he definitely might still have cancer; the flower Barack ate was definitely in Walt's back yard, making him the worst babysitter ever; and he definitely still drives a Prius. Turns out, you can't win 'em all. What I now know about Breaking Bad:
- You can always pick out the bad guys, because they're the ones wearing three layers of leather in the desert.
- None of the men on this show have hair.
- OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED WHY THE EPISODE WAS CALLED "FACE OFF." WHY AM I SO DEFICIENT?
- Chances are, shit's gonna explode.
That's it. That's the show.
Wait! That's it? So what did you think about the show? Did you like it, not like it? Will you watch it from the beginning? Oh, man! You should've watched 'One Minute'.