Character Grades Goes To The Emmys! Sort Of.
I work in television in the same way that the bouncer at a strip club works in the adult entertainment industry. I'm on the outskirts, but I am present nonetheless. Because of this, people in my life assume I have some sort of insight into the Emmy Awards. However, that is not the case. Writing a Meet the Press promo does not an Emmy insider make. I am however a sucker for award shows. Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Latin Grammys, NAACP Spirit Awards--if it's televised, I will tune in, and therefore I'm an ideal candidate to recap the surprises, the pageantry, and the ins and outs of last night's Emmys. I figured the best way to capture the essence of the night was to keep a running log...
7:45 - I am getting a late start after getting back to my apartment from visiting my sister and her newborn baby. Meeting a newborn baby is really a fruitless endeavor, but that is a story for another time. I turn on my TV just in time to find Christina Hendricks' big ‘ole boobs all up in my grill; a pleasant start. I laugh every time I remember she's married to the "Snozberries taste like Snozberries" kid from Super Troopers. Good for you, young man. Next up on the red carpet is Manny from Modern Family, and isn't that nice... he brought his hotel cleaning lady... Oh, that's his mother. I hate to paint with a broad brush but I assume she smells like Lemon Pledge. Manny really freaks me out. I know it's bizarre to dislike a child, but I do. On an unrelated note, Josh Elliott, the old Sportscenter guy, is doing ABC red carpets now? How the mighty have fallen. 8:00 - The show opens with a delightfully predictable sketch featuring Connie Britton, Zooey Deschanel, Kathy Bates, and Mindy Kaling (amongst others) in towels. My johnson is very confused. Oh, there's Lena Dunham, naked, eating cake while sitting on a public toilet. There is no longer johnson confusion, simply agony. The show is officially beginning!
8:10 - After a simple, understated open from our host Mr. Kimmel sets the evening's tone of "who gives a shit?" Amy Poehler and Louis CK come out to present Award #1. Jesus Christ, Amy Poehler. You've been single for 2 weeks and you're already dropping cleavage that would make 1999 JLo blush. Did the Jesuits at Boston College teach you nothing? Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family wins. Great. Modern Family is going to win everything again, and I'll be subjected to f'ing Manny reaction shots all night. 8:20 - Louie CK won an Emmy?! Are these voters finally going to get it right this year?! Nah, let's not kid ourselves, but well deserved Louie. 8:35 - The Modern Family overload continues with a dumb sketch about how that little Asian girl is a terror on set. Am I alone in thinking Modern Family is overrated? I don't think I've ever laughed while watching it. Must be a middle America thing.