Once Upon a Blog.
"Unless you keep a lid on the crazy and stop dressing like a Wal-Mart greeter, the only action you're ever gonna get is your annual visit to the gyno. Sorry, I'm not sorry.” –Alt Jenna
Don't you just hate it when you realize you can't trust your instincts OR your blog? What's a teenage girl to do? Angela Chase would have to lament straight to your face, but this is the 21st century where Twitter is actually a thing, so naturally Jenna resorts to solving her emotional crisis by 'blogging it out.' Fortunately for us viewers, this results in three different fantasy what if? scenarios that played out like a hybrid of Back to the Futureand Peggy Sue Got Married (um, genius movie mash-up idea, people). But I think we can all agree on the fact that the best of all the endings was Matt and Jake holding hands and walking off into the sunset together. Team Matt + Jake!
While most episodes of Awkard. take place with Jenna's pensive narration weaving throughout, this one actually took us inside her head. Torn between two adorable boys, the only solution was to rewrite history to examine the theoretical outcomes. That sounds way more scientific than it really was. First Jenna tried her hand at fan fiction, which resulted in a hilariously moody Twilightvignette with Matty and the aptly named Jake vying for her love and possibly her immortal soul. Yeah, not so much.
We were introduced to a version of her character that shall henceforth be referred to as 'Alt Jenna' -- the first incarnation being a mega-bitch mean girl with, as Val so deftly put it, "good hair and a great set of bazooms." Bitchy Alt Jenna ends up with Matty, but also turns into a heinous psycho who ditches Ming and Tamara and joins forces with Sadie for the ultimate in evil high school power shows. A second scenario involving a truth-telling Jenna who couldn't help but be honest with Jake about Matty, resulted in a needy, overbearing, love-sick version of herself who fakes a pregnancy to hang on to Matty only to end up actually pregnant. Whew! That one was a doozy. That Hamilton's got quite an imagination.
Not surprisingly, real Jenna learned some valuable lessons from these trippy alternate endings and decides to switch her blog from public to private (duh Jenna, it was basically a diary on a billboard). We're led to believe she's made a choice about the boys, but WHO DOES SHE CALL?!?!
First of all, Jake makes for a gross-ass werewolf. Fact. Jake kind of gets the run-around in Jenna's do-over with him. They finally have sex and, what do you know, he's not feeling the spark. He ends up back with that ditsy blonde girl and all but running screaming from preggers Jenna. Even in a dream world, he doesn't get the girl. Dude can't catch a break.
"I would love that really cute baby, but I would never love you.”
On the flip side, fictional Matty turned out pretty awesome. Not only did the smoldering vampire thing totally work for him, but he also ended up being straight-forward with Jenna and everyone else about their relationship, having never hooked up in the janitor's closet at summer camp. He's so normal and cool in alt world, that he can't even stand crazy psycho bitch cheerleader Jenna (who can blame him?) and starts full-on making out with Ming...hey, there's an idea, Matty and Ming!
Funny, Sadie's still a sarcastic beeyotch in every scenario. And that's why we love her. You're welcome.
"Maybe you'll have a girl so you can pass on the legacy of slutitude.”
Tamara & Ming
The two greatest wing women ever -- I don't know how Jenna could survive high school without them. Both of them are by Jenna's side, no matter the scenario. Well, minus the animosity between Tamara and Alt Bitch Jenna and the whole Ming making out with Matty thing. But other than that, still BFFs.
"Nice whore-drobe, skanksquatch.” -Tamara
"Cute white babies go faster than singles at a titty bar.”-Ming
"Once Upon a Blog" –
This episode handled the do-over concept in an original way. What could have been a boring series of dream sequences with Wayne's World-esque sound effects was instead a funky look at what might have been through the lens of Jenna's imagination. But seriously, who does she call at the end?!
Oh, and get ready to get your snark on, because Molly Tarlov who plays Sadie Suckston...er, I mean Saxton, will be live Tweeting next week's season finale. I can't resist...you're welcome.
- Ming calling everyone out for constantly referring to Matty by his full name, Matty McKibben
- Alt Jenna's blog is called "I Am Awesome Bitches"
- "You need to back off, as in, put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it.” –Tamara
- Really Jenna, you were surprised that it was difficult to spill your feelings to randos on the internet?
Yup, Kelly gets the points for that premonition but my fingers are crossed that it's Matty on the line!
Agreed! After the flashback episode, I think her reasons for picking Matty are more heart-felt than any reason for picking Jake.
So, who do you think she will she pick? Considering you are in tune enough with this show to pre-name the episode(s).
Whoops, I guess it was Kelly who did the pre-naming episode stuff. Regardless, who do you think she will pick?