American Horror Story: Asylum. Welcome to Briarcliff.
Welcome, welcome, to the second annual American Horror Story Games, in which many will enter, and few will remain. There is only one rule: stay alive. Well, also, entertain.
Judging from last season, no one will obey rule one, but rule two is ON.
Teresa & Leo
These crazy, horny kids open the season on their present-day "Honeymoon of Horrors.” They just got married and, insufficiently scarred by seating charts and Grandma calling their Korean friend an "Oriental,” took off on a tour of the twelve most haunted sites in America. Ugh, you guys, why didn't you talk to me?? You could have gone to Spain! My husband and I spent our entire honeymoon eating tapas; that could have been you! Instead, you went to the haunted asylum, and now Leo has one arm.
"Mental illness is the fashionable explanation for sin."
First, Jessica Lange's no-makeup makeup is fantastic, and what other lady in her sixties can work a nun's habit like that? Minus ten realism points for it being custom fitted and cinched at the waist, I guess, but judging from the red negligee she wears under it, Sister Jude does what she wants.
Anyway, Sister Jude rules 1964 Briarcliff with lots of arcane rules, convenient piety, dog whistles, and torture by repetitive music, but she does NOT approve of Goebbels-esque medical experimentation and/or turning humans into half-beast hybrids, so... I don't know what to think. Sister Jude scary. Me ‘fraid.
"I hope you don't mind if I forgo anesthetic."
For some reason, the kindly farmer from Babe has made a career change to clinical research, and he is not studying soil. Please tell my childhood this isn't happening.
I'm not sure how Arken's cold-eyed devotion to Frankenscience got him rubber-stamped by the church, but nevertheless, he's here, and he wants to send young nuns into the mutant-infested woods with buckets of raw meat. Get used to it!
Who wears heels and a suit to skulk around an insane asylum in the dead of night? No wonder her editor keeps assigning her stories on molasses bread. Lesbian Lana gets attacked by (I think?) an ArdenBeast and is committed to Briarcliff, but she did get to keep both her arms, so she's got one up on Leo.
Leo lost an arm and Lana lost her freedom, but the week's real loser is Kit, just a gas station attendant in a secret interracial marriage who got kidnapped by aliens, had a sentient SD card implanted in his neck, probably didn't kill his wife, and was at one point presumably made to wear a mask of human flesh. Was the alien probe not enough?
Secondary Character Round-Up
Grace: Grace is sooooo cute. I bet she's a murderer.
Wendy: Way to encourage your partner to sneak around a shady criminal insane asylum by herself at night, and then agree to have her committed so you can keep teaching third grade. Worst girlfriend ever.
Sister Mary Eunice: What an amazing, pathetic ugly cry.
Monsignor Timothy Howard: I'd call him Father What-a-Waste, but I think his being kept out of the dating pool is probably a blessing.
- Although I wish Adam Levine every ill for subjecting me to "Moves Like Jagger," he was pretty good in this, no?
- Speaking of A.Lev., when his arm got ripped off, HOW MANY OF US were like, "Haha, how are you going to play "Pay Phone" for the billionth time NOW, Adam?" Everyone? That's what I thought.
- Butts everywhere.
- I could have lived without Adam Levine licking his hand before a quickie with Mrs. Channing Tatum. Magic Mike's not going to like that.
- No seriously, Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Channing Tatum are my favorite Hollywood couple. Adam, do not break them up.
- That guy in the beginning was complaining about gas prices at thirty cents a gallon.
- Every time I scream due to the gore onscreen, my poor cats run under the bed. They really don't like this show.