American Horror Story: Asylum. Tricks and Treats.
"Now, show me your mossy bank." - Dr. Arden
"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww." - Everyone
An exorcism plot? Sure, why not. As terrible as the Catlicks are at running a nuthouse, where else are you really going to go when your kid slits open a horse and eats its still-beating heart as screechy horror music fills the barn?
Teresa & Leo
We pick the episode right off where the last one ended, with Teresa running directly into BLOODY FACE. Ah, so Mr. Face-of-Flesh is either immortal, or chooses successors like the Dread Pirate Roberts. That horror movie thing happens where Teresa sprints off and Bloody Face follows at a steady, unhurried pace but somehow keeps up. Unable to save Leo and his shoulder stump, Teresa locks herself in a cell and leaves him with only one arm and excessive blood loss to defend himself. I thought - because I am hilariously naive - that maybe Bloody Face would turn out to be a misunderstood ugly dude, like Sloth in The Goonies, but no: BF shivs the shit out of Leo, and Adam Levine is sent off to that big rotating red chair in the sky.
Do you think Ryan Murphy wrote this entire subplot as revenge for "Moves Like Jagger"? He totally did!
Maybe Lana should stop constantly informing Sister Jude about how she's going to expose this terrible place and can only be stopped by having her memory erased via electroshock? Maybe she should also trust that Kit would be immediately hunted down if he got out of Briarcliff, so just go with it and not torch your whole escape plan because Grace and her gorgeous ass want to bring a friend. I get it, Grace is French and really hot, I wouldn't want to share her either, but PRIORITIZE, woman!
Wendy has her ladyfriends over to validate her choosing a bunch of third graders over her long-term partner. I guess it was a rough day in class, though, because now Wendy's going to get Lana out of that place, gosh darn it! But before she can go make a probably futile petition for Lana's release, Mr. Face pops up and kills her dead. Hell's belles.
Dr. Arden & Whore
"I said, take a taste."
After offering Sister Eunice a not-at-all symbolic candy apple out in the garden and rejecting Chloë Sëvignÿ the Pointlëss but Entërtaining Nÿmphomaniac down in the bakery (ps those rolls do not look like molasses bread), Dr. Arden GETS DOWN with a hooker. If by "getting down" you mean telling her to speak like a lady and dress up as a nun. The whole thing is skin-crawlingly gross, but the prostitute exhibits the most brains I have seen on any television show, ever, by biting him on the arm and getting the F out.
However, photo stash of presumably homemade S&M snuff aside, I don't think that Dr. Arden is Bloody Face - he gets his creepy jollies just fine at work.
Dr. Arden --
Unnamed Whore --A
"My mother made me wear mittens to bed."
This character - so far, at least - is as pointless as her disconnected haircut, but who cares? Whoever pitched this character clearly had a massive trove of excellent nympho dialogue ready and waiting. Maybe she's Bloody Face!!!! Probably not.
Now that Bloody Face has killed again, Kit'll be exonerated and set free with a state settlement, right? That would be some Homeland-style plot twisting, right there. Or maybe he'll just get caned again. Poor Kit.
FYI, I recently learned that during the caning scene, Evan Peters was wearing a cock sock under his robe, but didn't realize he'd be bending over - so when he did, his balls hung down on display. So please know that during this whole bit, all of the ladies are simultaneously sneaking glances/trying not to look at Kit Walker's scrotii.
Sister Jude, Monsignor Howard & Dr. Oliver Thredson
Ahhhhh, the exorcism. I guess we're just going to dive right into the horror movie tropes, with Steely Nun, Righteous Father, and Dr. Science all ready to battle it out with Unseen Demon From Hell. A disabled man gets thrown into the wall, Sister Jude's former life as a committer of vehicular manslaughter emerges, the demon's main power appears to be shorting the power, and Sister Mary Eunice is now probably Evil; we can tell because she sleeps without a blanket. Do you think Sister Jude is more ashamed of the drunk driving or the fact that she was once a bit of a tart?
"Tricks and Treats"
The exorcism plot felt a little tacked on, but other plots - Lana's failed escape, Grace's butt, Dr. Arden's demure proclivities - were great. Adam Levine got stabbed! Mrs. Channing Tatum is probably next! Ahhhhhh!
- The actual exorcist was played by Dr. Anspaugh from ER, whose sick son storyline was probably the hardest I've ever cried in front of a television. Just saying.
- Were Lana and Grace sewn into their bathtubs? I feel like today that would be a very fancy spa treatment.
- One million points to Zachary Quinto's agent for getting him first billing in the opening credits. He wasn't even in the first episode!
- More butts! Whose do you think we'll see next? I think Joseph Fiennes.
- I can't believe the demon kid's parents visited Briarcliff, looked around, met Sister Jude, and thought, "Hey, this place is good."