American Horror Story: Asylum. Nor'easter.
Well that's some prescient scheduling - this week, a giant scary storm hits Briarcliff, although unlike residents of South Brooklyn, Lower Manhattan, and seemingly all of New Jersey, the asylum residents still have power and electronic entertainment. As the inmates hunker down to watch the rather suggestive pre-code film The Sign of the Cross, the devil takes a greater hold on Sister Mary Eunice, we meet the mutant creatures who prowl the hospital grounds, Dr. Arden loses his shit over a tube of Revlon, and Sister Jude gets sloshed. It's all fun and games until someone loses her legs.
Teresa & Leo
America talked and Ryan Murphy listened, because this week starts off with a replay of Maroon 5 getting stabby-stab-stabbed. But please, calm yourself - we should know by now that mere puncture wounds cannot stop Adam Levine ("One More Night” is at number one today, for the sixth week in a row). Leo thus bursts back to life in a surge of adrenaline, prompted by thoughts of all that change he spent on you. He sticks it to BloodyFace®, the monster collapses, and Mrs. Channing Tatum refreshingly stabs BF one million extra times, rather than waiting for him to roar back to life.
Things briefly look up for Teresa and Leo, but then two BloodyFace® copycats shoot them dead on their way out, and BF looks none too happy about this aping of his brand. Sorry, Teresa and Leo; you fought hard. If you have a recommitment ceremony in heaven, please rethink the plan for your second honeymoon.
"Me? I'm a beacon of compassion."
I guess it's possible to feel sorry for a totalitarian sadist and hit-and-run killer, because I felt rather bad for Sister Jude, who spent this week haunted by the girl she killed back in ‘49. Jude continues to frantically protect her ever-precarious seat of power, lashing out at Sister Eunice for wearing lipstick, getting smizashed on communion wine, and harmlessly throwing a tube of "Ravish Me Red” at Dr. Arden. Sister J is really the worst at ferreting out people's shifty motivations - how can you expect anyone to slip up and reveal a telling detail when you're constantly blaring, "I'm onto you!!!!”
Kit, Lana, Grace, & Dr. Thredson
"I think I found the Mexican."
Dr. Thredson agrees to take a message from Lana to Miss Wendy, mostly to rebel against Sister Jude, and discovers that BloodyFace® may have struck again. Convinced of Kit's innocence, Lana joins Grace, Kit, and Shelley on their newest escape attempt, which goes great! They run into the woods, reaching out for the rain like they're in a Shawshank Redemption reenactment society, just loving life until they trip over a human body and are chased down by speedy extras from The Walking Dead right back into the asylum. It was a good effort, kids, but Shelley's going to be pretty upset that she's now walking on stumps for nothing.
Chloë Sëvignÿ shifts gears and is a total warrior this week, heroically eating a dick so the Scooby Gang can escape, but then she gets caught and Dr. Arden cuts off her legs. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? Those are her LEGS!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! Granted, I was expecting some female genital mutilation, which is also bad, but her LEGS?! How's she supposed to kneel in front of an orderly now?
Aside: I know there are like 1500 Brown Bunny jokes here, but girlfriend lost her legs, guys, I just can't. Sorry, Shelley.
Dr. Arden and his intimacy issues had a rough week. Ugh, Sister Eunice hit on him; I can't imagine the pain. To process such an incident, the mad doctor dresses up a statue of Mary in red lipstick, calls it a whore, and smashes it, and then attempts to rape Shelley, which is pretty harrowing until we all realize he can't. I'm not sure if Dr. Arden is mangled Down There, completely devoid of private parts, has a teeny thingy, or is just incapable, but whatever's between his legs has clearly affected his opinion of sex-positive women. Like Shelley. Poor Shelley. You had to take her legs?!
"A movie full of fire, sex, and the death of Christians. What fun!"
Sister Demon Eunice is the rosebud tits, guys, and not just because she invited Dr. Arden to suck on them (ewwwwww). First, a patient can see her devil eyes, so Sister busts out some Spanish "Our Father," stabs her in the jugular, and then feeds her to the Creatures. Then she hikes up her habit for Dr. Arden, describes herself as "juicy," and calls him a pantywaist when he declines. Finally, she sits enthralled at scenes of Christians being eaten by lions while all her favorite inmates escape. Somehow, no one realizes this all started with the exorcism. Win.
Lots of gross-outs, a couple of good screams, and Adam Levine got stabbed AND shot. Happy Halloween!
- I like it when a show really makes the most of the TV MA LSV graphic.
- Hey, people were finally working in the bakery. I guess it's more than a place to skulk around and threaten each other.
- My DVR has rebelled against me, and decided not to record the show at 10 or 11, so I set it to tape in the middle of the night and watched this morning. American Horror Story in the cold light of 8am just isn't the same. "What IS THIS SHOW?!” my husband, who has never seen it, exclaimed as he wandered into the living room with his morning coffee. Sorry, hon.
- If Arden thinks the SIM card he took out of Kit's neck is a spying device, he probably shouldn't keep it on top of all the secret papers on his desk.
- Did you guys see the scotch ad with Claire Forlani and a UK accent that I thought was fake until I checked Wikipedia? Aw, I remember when she was going to be the next big thing, or at least famous enough that I would know she's actually British. Call it revenge for Meet Joe Black.
Wow, I hope to hear more about what everyone else at DISH thinks of this show!!!! I'm sure glad your Hopper caught it!!!
This week’s episode was a little more disturbing than usual just because of all the sexual innuendos that were completely gross. The idea that anyone would want to hit on Dr. Arden makes me sick to the stomach. The imagery this week was fantastic as always and that’s just one of the many reasons why I have my Hopper timer set to record the show each week. Poor Shelley: she just didn’t have a good week and the whole situation with the doctor taking her legs really didn’t make any sense. My DISH co-worker reminded me that while we may not understand why now, it will probably be revealed soon. Of course the key to AHS is patience.